Self Preservation

I sit here typing today from a place I don't like to be....stepping back to preserve my sanity. Honestly, the past few days have been kinda up and down and up and down and I find myself needing a break from the topsy turvey place I find myself in.

No one ever said relationships were easy. They, indeed, take work. As I shared my heart with an old friend tonight, their counsel was to make sure that there are boundaries in place to keep me, in a word, safe. And that it's OK to have boundaries in place.

 It's not always easy to risk opening up to those who don't know you well. Often, we have walls built up that we've thrown up to keep us protected from hurt, the past, rejection and the like. I've learned over time that some walls need, once they are down, to stay down. Other times, it's for self preservation to have a guard of some sort in place.

I hate walls between me and those I care about. Often they are defense mechanisms to hold others at bay so we don't have to risk feeling, risk rejection, risk being misunderstood among other things. I ask myself, "How much do I care? How much time and energy can I give in trying to tear down a wall if the other person is intent on putting the bricks and mortar back in place?"

And the ultimate question: Is it OK to walk away? I am not a quitter. I love to champion others, walk alongside them and encourage them. But I have found I risk being misunderstood. Or I give too much and get nothing in return. I don't like to quit. I don't like to give up. I want to see things through. But is it right to be selfish and put myself first and say, OK, enough, I need a timeout to refocus for me, for myself?

I believe the answer is yes. The one person who can take care of me best is me. And the only one who can choose what I allow in my life is me. I determined years ago that I would not live my life with regrets. So, to be good to myself and fair to the others this may also affect who are in my life, I choose to put me first. Not to be selfish, mind you. But to maintain the balance I need in my life to keep me going, to keep me focused on becoming the person God created me to be.

OK, so this was not really what I thought my blog was going to be about. And to some, I may seem to be rambling and you may not understand. It really doesn't matter. What mattered most to me was to get my thoughts down, as it were, and to share my heart. This is where I am right now, this very minute. It is a good place for me to be, the stepping back and looking out for myself. It will allow me to do what I need to do so that I can give out again from a good place and not one crowded with other things.

Even if you don't completely understand my ramblings at this early hour, know that I still believe I am blessed beyond measure, God is in control and He, in the end, is Who matters most to me. He is faithful and is with me, even in the midst of where I am right now.

Here is a closing quote I found this morning.....the author is unknown:

"This is my wish for you:

Comfort on difficult days,

smiles when sadness intrudes,

rainbows to follow the clouds,

laughter to kiss your lips,

sunsets to warm your heart,

hugs when spirits sag,

beauty for your eyes to see,

friendships to brighten your being,

faith so that you can believe,

confidence for when you doubt,

courage to know yourself,

patience to accept the truth,

Love to complete your life."